Favors

“I only talk to God when I need a favor. God, I need a favor” – Jelly Roll

I once had a friend tell me that for some people, it’s much easier to minister to others than to accept ministry from others. We were talking about someone else at the time, but over the years I have come back to that many times until I at last came to the realization that I am actually one of those people. I own this about myself wholeheartedly now, even if I am not proud of it. I’m not sure when or how I developed such a fierce independent streak – or is it more stubbornness? Actually, I believe it is more of an issue of being a major control freak.

This isn’t particularly easy for me to admit. I’ve always used the term “control freak” to be disparaging of someone who didn’t want to listen to anyone else or think about new ways of doing things. I don’t think that necessarily describes me – unless people just don’t know what they’re doing, and it would just be easier to do it myself, of course. Ha!

I have been following the app “Hallow” during their 40 day Lenten challenge this year. I have listened to the daily, 10- or 15-minute guided reflections almost every day. The theme this Lent is guided by the book “The Way,” by St. Josemaria Escriva. This timeless book is chock-full of easily digestible lessons, prayers, reflections, and guidance. The line of prayer from Escriva’s book that guides Hallow’s Lenten journey this season is “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”

When I started this journey on Ash Wednesday, just a few weeks ago, my scheduled knee replacement surgery seemed far off in the distance, on March 20. I wouldn’t have thought that being led to Hallow by the very effective advertising with Mark Wahlberg and Chris Pratt would have also resulted in an interesting path of self-reflection and self-realization, but here we are. When I first heard the “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief,” – I got it, but I wouldn’t say it resonated. I’m fortunate. As a born and raised Catholic, while my attendance at Mass and strict adherence to holy days of Obligation and the like has waxed and waned, I’ve never really questioned my faith in God. Does that mean I didn’t wonder why He allowed certain things to happen? Of course not. Have there been times that my faith was stronger than others? Absolutely. But I can’t remember a day when I didn’t know in my heart of hearts that God is real and that He loves me. “Help my unbelief” – that doesn’t really apply to me, I thought.

As my surgery approached, and the realization that this very independent oh so tiny bit of control freak person was soon going to be quite dependent and most definitely NOT in control of what was about to happen started to set in. As I readied the downstairs guest room for a few weeks of convalescence (no big stair climbs for a while,) I tried to prepare for every possible need and contingency. “I don’t want to be a bother,” I told myself. I spent time thinking about what groceries I could get to have on hand to keep my husband from having to do the grocery shopping for a bit. “Don’t worry, babe. I will handle it,” he kept saying.

Finally in the past few days, I realized that not only was I overcomplicating things with my need to control my environment as much as I could, I was also unconsciously not allowing others, specifically my very capable and loving husband, the opportunity to minister to me in my time of need. A passage from a book I read a while ago – the title long forgotten, unfortunately – hit me right in the face. The passage was something about how critical it is to let people do what they want to and what they can to help you. Not accepting these acts of service and kindness when they are offered to you can actually be insulting to the person who has offered them from their heart. OUCH.

When we think about surgery, those of us who aren’t actually surgeons are forced to accept the fact that we are going to be completely reliant on a specialist to render our broken parts whole again. That’s a relatively straightforward thing to comprehend.

When faced with the thought that I am about to be in some pretty significant pain for a while as my body begins to heal itself, that isn’t quite as easy to accept – more because of the fear of discomfort – but I know that there will be medication and exercises and physical therapy that will help me feel less and less pain and more and more ease of movement. I can understand the science of it, so even if I don’t relish the thought of it, I know it will be effective in the long term.

So why then, is it so difficult for me to surrender to being dependent on the one person on this planet who knows me and loves me more than anyone else, who cares for me as much as I care about him, who has built his life with me and graciously allows me to minister to him daily? It’s not out of doubt of any of those truths. I know he will do anything for me and more. I like to think to myself “I just don’t want to be a bother.” But you know what? The truth is that I have been resisting letting go of my need to control something, anything, in this process when I am feeling like so much of what is about to happen isn’t in my control.

Today as I was finishing off the “to do” list, I suddenly realized that I hadn’t yet listened to today’s Hallow lesson. I forced myself to find 12 minutes to listen to it. As I listened to it, this wonderful realization came over me. I know that I can trust my husband to care for me, protect me, and shield me from as much discomfort and inconvenience as he can. The fact is, God put us in each other’s lives at the time and place he did for just such times as these. Surrendering to this has brought a magical sense of calm to me this evening. I know that everything is going to be fine, even if it’s not particularly awesome for the next few days. My fear of the unknown and loss of control is actually a form of – get this – unbelief! WOMP. Right upside the head. I surrender.

“Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. “

Amen.